It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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