After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
