she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
