All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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