So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
