Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They took my balls.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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