I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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