Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
