he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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