Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
