i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
