My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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