i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
