just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
