god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I FOUND THE LEGS
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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