So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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