I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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