Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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