Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
