I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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