you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
