You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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