I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
