Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
