I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
