community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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