I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
