Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
