Cold hands, warm shart.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
