every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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