so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
