nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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