hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
