I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
