found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
