I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
