Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
