PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
