somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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