So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
