I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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