I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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