The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
