I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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