Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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