Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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