I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
