Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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