Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Randomize
