I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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