He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
