I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
